We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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