I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
