D3 body, D1 cock
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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