apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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