Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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