I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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