I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
