At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
