just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
