i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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