Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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