Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
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