Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
