oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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