My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The best revenge is premature balding
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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