if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
