Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
