I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
