Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I can text with my tongue
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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