we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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