did you get engaged???
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Randomize
