I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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