I just pynch a tree in the face
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
They are going to name an STD after you.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
