just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
