All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
