just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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