Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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