I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
