Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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