how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
