I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
