Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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