you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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