So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
