How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
