Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
