Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
