I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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