I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
