im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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