3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
