yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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