pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
