onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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