So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
