do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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