I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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