so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
