I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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