So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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