So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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