she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
