We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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