you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
