everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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