Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
