i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
