Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
