I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
