I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
